I’m the Questionable Impulse Item That Will Change Your Life and Get You Free Shipping
Go on and add to basket, don’t think twice!
Hi! Thanks for checking me out. It feels good to finally be seen.
Long have I languished here in the vortex of space and time, amongst my brethren, the miscellaneous items that cost just enough to make up free shipping for your order.
We are a motley crew, for sure. Neon, metallic, adorably fuzzy/itchy, cropped, asymmetrical hems, beaded strips where no beaded anything belongs. Shirts with no back, skirts with no front, shoes with no soles.
We did not ask for this life. But lo, we were created, and out creator smiled with glee, assured that someone somewhere would want us.
We’re ugly cute, we’re so wrong we’re right.
We’re “might come in handy for a costume party”.
We’re totally going to look great on you no matter what should you catch a tapeworm and lose thirty pounds overnight. We look great on this alien life form of a model after all.
We’re jaunty, eccentric, a little bit out there, sure.
When did you become such a fashion lemming, anyway? Since when did “Not wanting people to stare at me” become your motto. Remember your days at the goth disco raves? You used to be fun, adventurous!
We’re “I might feel like wearing a quilted bucket hat someday”. We’re “Mustard yeti gilet let’s partay!”. We are NEVER boring. It’s you who is the problem. Stop overthinking this, let loose, live a little.
Oh, you have nothing to wear with us? Ok, do you know what goes with gray t-shirts and jeans? Despair!
Why don’t you pour a glass of chardonnay and look at the identikit women’s fashion on Pinterest, we know how that numbs you out. You were never born to be the basic girl in the beige cashmere minimalist gold everything chocolate suede boots, and deep down you know it.
Do you know what adds no pizazz whatsoever to your wardrobe? Spending $8.99 on shipping for no good reason. Come on, any one of us would make your life so much more interesting.
Do you remember that time you bought an orange paisley backless strapless triangle top in a moment of magnificent madness? No, you were not destined to be the fourth member of Destiny’s Child, but didn’t the possibility feel good?
Your tediously safe fashion choices are where dreams go to die. Here in the netherworld of clothing and accessory outlet misfit toys, we don’t follow the rules of taste or trends, and it is glorious.
This freedom is a high you too can feel should you be so bold as to venture forth with any one of us as your talisman. Go on, let your freak flag fly.
Yes, the black tank top that would go with anything is still available in your size. But how can you forget you like sequins — you pine like a magpie for leopard print and velvet and and tulle? Helena Bonham Carter is secretly your fashion icon.
Look at these martini earrings, complete with a rhinestone olive! This teal tinsel mini skirt! This sheer chainmail halter! Come on, let’s razzle dazzle ‘em! This could be the change you need. Stop the charade.
Oh please come back. Please don’t check out. This is a huge mistake — look we are now 10% off the sale price!
Oh wow. Ok well, that is certainly a choice. No, go ahead, it’s cool. You got this. Why not! Don’t even worry about your allergies, coloring or shape. Let’s do this thing. Break out the real you, this is going to be fun!
Remember, all sales are final. Nice doing business with you, ma’am. Come back anytime, we are always open.
This piece was originally published by the author at Medium in Jane Austen’s Wastebasket. All rights reserved.
Steffany, this is brilliantly chaotic.
The entire piece written from the perspective of clearance bin fashion items trying to convince you they'll change your life? Genius.
"We're ugly cute, we're so wrong we're right. We're 'might come in handy for a costume party'."
I'm 19, building a newsletter from scratch, and this somehow applies to creating too.
Every weird idea you almost publish. Every Note that feels too personal. Every blog post that doesn't fit the "strategy."
Those are the questionable impulse items of content creation. They don't fit the formula. They're not optimized. They might flop completely.
But they're also the ones that make your work feel human instead of generic.
"Do you know what goes with gray t-shirts and jeans? Despair!"
That line made me laugh out loud. The entire piece has that energy — ridiculous premise executed perfectly.
Also: "Helena Bonham Carter is secretly your fashion icon" — if this isn't already a personality type, it should be.
Really enjoyed this. Thanks for the chaos. 🙏
10% off isn't how they get me, the ads stalking me for the next few weeks everywhere I go do.
Fun stuff. Never let me say that life is boring.